Tuesday, May 19, 2015

A journey interrupted.

I have been on a journey.  Like every other journey it proved to be enlightening, painful, and a bit disappointing.  In just over 2 years I have lost 60lbs, learned how to defend myself, and reclaimed my estranged self confidence.  Sadly my body couldn't keep up with my spirit.  So with a trick knee and a few bulging discs, I have had to hang up my gi and resign my goals of wearing a black belt.

For several months I have been mourning the loss of my four year plan.  It was so exciting to have a goal again, a reason to work hard and strive for more.  I have been lost and depressed.  However, I am determined that this will be a mere hurdle and not a set back.  With some lifestyle changes, I have been able to keep the weight off but I am still in search for the next step.

Tarzan and I have a goal for 2025, but what will 2015-2025 have in store?  For now I will work on living life and possibly cultivating my writing.  It is possible that dust and cat hair aren't the only things residing in my laptop, may be inspiration lives there too.  Checking Google will be the obvious next step, there is bound to be an app for that...

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Camaraderie is the anecdote.

Some friends and I signed up to participate in a local Warrior Dash.  I was nervous that my body would be unable to meet the physical needs the race would demand and I would lie wasted in chest deep mud.  I was correct, the race did demand a lot of my jiggly body but surprisingly this sack of bones was up for a bit more than I bargained for.  There was a great deal of bargaining and begging on my part, after a mile I was more than ready to be rid of the knee deep mud.  The teetering traverse and a collection of walls nearly claimed me but through tears and cheers I pressed on. 
My fear of falling almost proved too much for me to bear, I was gasping for air and my eyes could only see bright white light.  I was sacred out of my wits, my body was giving up on me, and then I heard it..."you've got this Jane, only 5 more feet to go".  Sobbing I sat down and scooted my rear across the remaining 5 feet, all the time hearing "almost there, keep breathing, don't look down".
Obviously my fears range in their severity and intensity and during these past few weeks I have enjoyed their physical effects on my body.  After each obstacle I faced I grew giddy, I found energy I thought I had lost over a mile back.  It was invigorating.

Fears my be poison to ambition but camaraderie is the anecdote.

Fear #15 Walking into a break-in at my home.
Fear #16 Warrior Dash.
Fear #17 I won't lose anymore weight.
Fear #18:  While alone in the house, I am showering and I hear the dog barking.  In shear panic I have to access my surroundings for weapons.
Fear #19:  While alone in the house I begin choking on my medicine.
Fear #20  That Shihan will teach a class in my dojo.
Fear #21  I won't live up to my expectations. 

Friday, October 12, 2012

growth spurt

I am beginning to think that maybe I am not really scared of failure, maybe I am scared of success.  I know the idea is strange but with success change seems to quickly follow.  Although change is inevitable and change is good, it is still change.  Transformations bring feelings of awkwardness, inadequacy, and growth.  I believe I may be having a growth spurt.


Fear #8:  I may have made choices in my life that have kept me from being something grand.

Fear #9:  I am scared of possibly becoming a widow.

Fear #10:  Riding through town with my windows down, enjoying the nighttime breeze, will lead to me me being carjacked.

Fear #11:  That there will be a house fire and I can't get everyone out.

Fear #12:  Roaches or spiders may climb on me in my bed and lay eggs in my hair or ears.

Fear #13:  I have an irrational fear of dentists and dentistry.

Fear #14:  I am terrified of failing my black belt test, and yes I am aware that it is at least 3 years away.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012


Since I have started this 'Black Belt Journey' I have realized how fearful I really am.  It seems that it really is the only thing that is standing in my way.  There are days where the fear of never being able to pass the test for black belt actually prevents me from doing my best at the dojo.  I really need to get a handle on this before it thwarts me from achieving something that could mean so much for me.  Years ago my mother taught me that when a task seems insurmountable you should break it into parts, make it seem smaller.  Since fear is such a big part of my life I have decided to try to be candid about my uncertainties and take some accountability...one at a time.

Each day I will state a fear that has plagued me that day however small, scary, big, or funny.  At night as I lie in bed I'll marinate on it and see how I let that fear dictate my actions and hopefully through a microscope it won't seem all that daunting.

Fear #1: The very moment that I cross under my awning is also the very moment that the gecko can no longer hold on for dear life.

Fear #2: The feeling of something crawling on my foot in the car really is a bug that Cheetah forgot about in the car.

Fear #3: That Cheetah will never have the chance to grow up.

Fear #4: I will never reach my fitness goals.

Fear #5: I am afraid that I will be attacked and will not be able to protect myself or survive.

Fear #6: That I may pee on myself, in the dojo, due to tons of jumping-jacks.

Fear #7: That my husband secretly steps on the bathmat while wearing shoes.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

black belt: a journey, not a destination

While out with my boys this weekend I was recognized.  Rereading the phrase I just wrote really makes things abundently clear for me.  The family and I have been back in Cajun Country for nealy 4 years and I finally found what was missing.  After some gentle nudging from Tarzan I stepped up and joined karate.

As we get older we tend to lean toward comfort.  We strive to find the place where we can strive, we find what we are good at and we stick with it.  It has been over a decade since I have been in a truly uncomfortable situation.  Karate has changed this; I have been attacked, hurt, embarrassed, nervous, and scared.  Now that I am 3 belts into this journey I can tell you I have also felt pride, excitment, surprise, and joy.  There may be times where I dread going to class because I know that it's going to take A LOT of hard work to get me 'black belt ready' but I think I have to do it.  I am suppossed to be a Black belt wearing Momma!

So to the lady at Academy who wanted to let me know I was impressive at Friday night's graduation...you ain't seen nothing yet!  (Oh and thanks for the boost to my ego and my motivation, lol.)

Sunday, August 12, 2012

with each great nap comes great change

I have spoken before on the love affair that I have with my bed, the last time I crawled in and settled down for a recharge I began to reminisce.  I can remember 3 great naps in my life; the first one was in high school, the second in college, and the last one occurred soon after I became a Mom. 

My grandparents had a bedroom in their house (the middle bedroom for those that know the house) that was perfect for taking naps.  It had one window so you didn't have to worry about the sun light rousing you before you were ready and the ceiling fan had this hi speed that created just enough wind and just enough sound.  The other key element to this nap were the bed linens.  The sheets were worn in, making them cool and satiny smooth, and the light weight floral bedspread kept you cool enough to snuggle deep into the bed.  I had been on a road trip with them for the summer and we were enjoying the last few days of summer at home.  We had eaten soup and sandwiches for lunch, O'pa had gone off to 'bowl' and O'ma was in her chair just resting her legs.  If I close my eyes I can feel the cool floor under my feet as I head down the dark hallway lined with pictures of grandchildren.  I awoke to the smell of decaffeinated Community coffee, and the sound of O'ma and O'pa discussing plans for the rest of the week.

I remember coming home from college for the weekend, after an early morning mass I donned my social club sweatshirt and faded boxers and joined my dad in the living room for a viewing of 'Two Mules for Sister Sara'.  Mama had been roped into making our favorite chicken and dumplings so we knew we had plenty of time to watch the whole movie.  I made a pallet on the floor and 2 1/2 hours later I woke up in the middle of "She Wore a Yellow Ribbon'.  I remember rolling over and seeing the blue couch pillow with the red flowers and I instantly smiled...it's so good to be 'home'.

Cheetah has never been the best sleeper, but when he was a newborn I thought I was going to go nuts; sleep deprivation had me on my knees.  One day I decided to try creating the perfect nap environment for us.  I closed all the blinds in the bedroom, turned on the ceiling fan, and dressed in a comfy set of pjs.  I bathed the boy and put him in the softest gown, said a silent prayer and slide in bed.  Five hours later I woke up just in time to see him slowly waking up in my arms.  It by far tops my list of best naps ever.

As I described each memorable nap I realized that they all had something in common.  Each experience seems to occur at the cusp of a big change in my life.  I was heading into my Senior year of high school, starting my Senior year in college, and getting my footing for motherhood. For me, the greatest moments of change all start with waking from a deep restorative sleep.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

keeping away from avalanches

Let me start by saying, "I know it's been forever."  Every day I visit my favorite blogs and I admit that I am a bit disappointed when there is no new post but for some reason the thought to write on mine never crossed my mind.  Granted I don't have a ton of followers hanging on my every word but maybe not getting on the page to post my progress is why I can't seem to pass the 30lb mark. Things have been going wonderfully:  Tarzan has started karate, I tested for my yellow belt and was invited to the Black Belt Club, and Cheetah enjoyed a 2 week vacation with the family in Mississippi.
We have had a blast celebrating the 4th of July with family, enjoyed a visit from a very special family, and have spent as much time in the pool as humanly possible.



With all the fun we've been having Cheetah says his top 2 activities of the summer have been his birthday party at the bowling alley and watching Winchester Fletcher!

Now that the heat has us running indoors, Cheetah and I found this cool shirt idea on pintrest and new it would be perfect for this weekend.  We had all the supplies we needed: cotton t-shirts (although you could use anything), Sharpies, rubber bands, paper cups, magazine, and 91% rubbing alcohol. 

You place a magazine inside the shirt to ensure the colors don't bleed through as you go.  Pick where you want to get started, slide the paper cup inside the shirt and secure the rubberband on top.  Now that you have your blank canvas secured you can begin to draw a design, we did all different ones but found that shapes worked the best (Cheetah preferred drawing pictures of things).  Keep the design to just over the size of a quarter, add 10 drops of alcohol to the center of the design and watch the magic happen.

The possibilties are endless, it's a really fun idea and it is something the kids can do during the hottest hours of the day.

I have allowed myself a small break from the daily mile due to the 7 days of rain we have had here, and for the past 2 weeks we have enjoyed a vacation from karate.  The dojo had it's annual instructors retreat,  I have tried to stay active by doing multiple miles on the weekend, doing my PS3 intense kickboxing class a few times a week, and continuing with my free weight and ab workout 6 days a week.  I have kept to eating healthy with a weekly 'cheat day', I am suprised at myself for choosing to eat well everyday.  I have cheated a handful of time since January but I remind myself that one slip doesn't mean there has to be a rock slide.